Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
