i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
