the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
