Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
