Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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