no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
