Pappa wants mamma naked
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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