i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
