The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
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