Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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