Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
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