alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
