nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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