saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize