If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
