We named our party play list daddy issues
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
