So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I just gift wrapped bread.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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