Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Randomize
