well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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