May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
