Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
