I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Thank you for not boning my boss.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Randomize
