VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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