Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize