i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
