this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
