Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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