I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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