You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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