I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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