I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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