She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
