The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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