Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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