my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
