3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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