Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
