i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
