I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
bring money and cleavage
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
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