God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
