Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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