I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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