dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Randomize
