There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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