i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
