i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
