remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
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