I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
