I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
