I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
