Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
