turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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