I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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