I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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