I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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