ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
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