I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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