getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
