This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
