I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize