I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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