come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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