I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I could have mohawked her pubes.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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